


Rebuild

by sesiran (Ayri)



Series: Broken [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe - Human, Anger, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Issues, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has PTSD, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has an Eating Disorder, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Arguing, BDSM, Back Pain, Beeps is a Queen, Betrayal, Blood, Blood and Injury, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cigarettes, Conflict, Dehumanization, Depression, Derogatory Language, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Doctors & Physicians, Dog Owner Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Dogs, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Drugs, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, False Accusations, Fire, Flashbacks, Flirting, Food, Genital Piercing, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internal Conflict, Knives, Lies, M/M, Medical, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mild Gore, Money, Needles, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Punishment, Rape Aftermath, Secrets, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Service Dogs, Sex, Sleep | Remy Sanders is a Little Shit, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags Contain Spoilers, Tags May Change, Therapy, Trouble breathing, Trust Issues, Video & Computer Games, Vomiting, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:09:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27661132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayri/pseuds/sesiran
Summary: Virgil is coming out of a bad enough relationship it needed legal intervention and a long stay at a mental hospital. He's got some baggage and he's not particularly happy about that fact. But he'll keep trying. Afterall, he's finally free... right?This is the Sequel toBreak, please read that first!
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Dark Creativity | Remus & Deceit & Logic | Logan, Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Sleep | Remy, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: Broken [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760686
Comments: 58
Kudos: 74





	1. Finding the Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> **Read the Tags if you want to consume this content and have triggers.**  
>  okay, so we all know this is going to be an event? yeah? yeah. hope you have some fun.
> 
> **♪[Break Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/17jdndRy9Q7F6COOvHieTM?si=o6VI7pQ3TbOsZKRADvGNQw) ♪**

Virgil awakened blearily, feeling the couch back when he reached up to rub his blurry eyes. Was he supposed to be up yet? His alarm didn’t go off. Maybe Zillah was trying to trick him into a ‘wake-up call’. Virgil stretched his arms and back when he sat up and rose off the couch. He stumbled back for a moment, bumping his calves on the couch, but got up fine the second time. He headed into the bathroom to wash up and such before making breakfast.

He trudged into the kitchen tiredly and got out vegetables to make loaded scrambled eggs. Virgil pulled out a cutting board, but there were no knives where he thought they should have been. He dug through the drawers and couldn’t find a single knife, though. There wasn’t one in the dishwasher, either. He rubbed his face in confusion and put the carrot and celery back in the fridge and noticed a container of chopped vegetables, which he took out. He didn’t remember pre-chopping anything, but it was probably a smart thing to do. He was dumb in the mornings before he fully woke up. Well, he was always dumb. Virgil started sautéing the vegetables in olive oil absentmindedly, letting his tired brain drift like he did every morning.

Things were starting to smell tasty. Virgil rubbed his eyes on the back of his forearm and leaned against the counter while he stirred the vegetables. A dog bumped into Virgil’s legs in the kitchen and sat down at his feet expectantly. What the hell was a dog- Beeps? Why was- wait. Oh, son of a bitch. Fuck, shit, damnit! He forgot where he was again. Maybe who he was, too. At least he remembered before anyone else noticed and would have to bury himself in shame.

“Hey, baby,” Virgil said and reached down to scratch behind her ears and turned off the burner to go give Beeps her breakfast. He took the dog food package out of the fridge and cut it open, squeezing it out of the wrapper into a clean dog food dish. Beeps waited patiently, but her tail was wagging excitedly. She waited until Virgil motioned to the bowl and then went to town. Virgil chucked out the packaging and washed his hands to return to breakfast. He may as well cook for everyone. Virgil dug in the freezer and found some potato shreds to add more bulk to the vegetables and returned to sautéing everything.

He dug out a glass container with a lid to load the eggs into so they could stay warm and served himself a small plate after melting a little cheese on top. He ate sluggishly and pulled out his phone to check the time. God, he woke up an hour early. He might have heard Remy leave, and it woke him up or something. Maybe he should just go back to bed after breakfast. That explains why Beeps or Patton weren’t already awake to stop him. The food smells must have woken her up. No, if he was up, he should be useful.

Beeps came back up to Virgil with her tongue happily lolling out one side and laid down at his feet. He should take her to the dog park. He’s up, had time, and ate food. He was not in any peril at the moment and Beeps deserved it. It’d be fine if she got a break before Virgil went to work. He could pick up a coffee at the shop near there for the whole woke-up-early-because-of-conditioning thing. He liked Remy’s coffee shop better, though. And Remy’s delicious bean water was free. Maybe he’ll go there for lunch. He’d certainly need caffeine by then.

Virgil finished up eating his loaded scramble and went to go wash his plate. He ran his hand through his hair and headed back into the living room. He dug through the plastic drawers of his clothes in the dark and picked whatever looked interesting. A pair of dark fitted jeans, a black-and-white striped shirt, and his favourite hoodie. He then cleaned up his sleeping stuff off the couch and put it in the ottoman to be out of the way and headed into the bathroom to change.

Beeps seemed extra-expectant to go out today. He always swore this dog was psychic. She came trotting up to him with her vest in her mouth as soon as he came out of the bathroom. Virgil chuckled and took the vest, and she obediently let him put it on her. As soon as it was securely on, her tail wagged, but she waited for Virgil to move to get her leash before going anywhere. He hooked her up and grabbed a water bottle to head out.

“Dog park, Beeps,” Virgil said after he locked the apartment door and she started leading the way with marked determination. Beeps led while keeping her distance from other people like she normally did.

Virgil was admittedly a little better around people now, but he still didn’t appreciate being bumped and had trouble with strangers, so it was a good thing. Dr. Marco suggested he might want to try walking somewhere more crowded sometime soon, but Virgil wasn’t exactly ‘shopping mall’ ready yet or anything. People in stores were always trying to distract Beeps from her job, and he needed her to be on task in that kind of situation, even if he believed Dr. Marco. He was absolute shit at self-advocacy and she was so damn cute.

“Let’s jog,” Virgil said, and picked up the pace, Beeps happily speeding up with him. Virgil was tired, but if he didn’t full-on-run, he’d presumably be okay. The weather was pleasant this morning, and it was a comfortable temperature for a little physical activity without getting too sweaty, even in his hoodie. The exercise could wake him up a bit, anyway. Also, good endorphins, blah blah blah, all that self-care garbage. Ugh.

When they made it to the park, Virgil hunted for an isolated bench to claim. There was a nice one under a tree he was happy about. “Up,” He commanded, and Beeps put his paws up on his lap so Virgil could unhook the vest to take her off duty and let her play. Once she was free, she gave him an excited bark and bolted into the center of the dog park to play with the other dogs. Virgil folded up the vest and pulled out his phone.

Beeps didn’t need much babysitting at a dog park since she was so well trained, so he could read while she played as long as he looked up every few paragraphs. Being in public without her or someone else made him nervous, so reading a book could ‘provide a healthy distraction’. Virgil opened the library app and picked back up the end-of-the-world style novel he’d been reading.

Virgil read about two chapters while Beeps tired herself out running around and playing with the other dogs. He had to get up once to separate another dog from her that wasn’t playing nice, whose owner wasn’t paying attention, but it was mostly uneventful. Beeps wasn’t aggressive until Virgil came over for her to protect, but the dog got the picture swiftly after Beeps shifted into a defensive stance.

Beeps trotted back up to the bench Virgil was reading at panting and gave him a pleasantly satisfied look. He unclipped Beep’s portable water dish from the bottle and poured out water for her to drink before they headed home. Virgil still had plenty of time, according to his phone. Once Beeps had her vest back on, they took an evenly paced walk back to the apartment. Patton would be awake right now, so he could look forward to Patton’s mandated morning hug when they got back. Virgil had objected originally, but Dr. Marco thought it was a great idea and honestly it was a pleasant thing to look forward to every morning as much as he griped about it.

It was warmer now that the sun was properly up, so he fanned himself with his jacket as they meandered back home. Even Beeps suffered the heat with her tongue lolling out while she was walking. The damned heat was getting to him. He still didn’t prefer taking off his hoodie, even if he had days he was okay with it now. He just wanted the damn summer to be over with. Virgil wanted cool breezes and dead leaves.

When he got back inside the apartment he unhooked Beep’s leash as soon as he locked the door. “Go get a drink, girl,” Virgil motioned towards Beep’s water dish and she trotted off happily. Virgil followed her into the kitchen to get a refill of water himself. Beeps came to sit next to him while he refilled the bottle and cleaned and dried the collapsible silicone dish.

“Virgil!” Patton said excitedly behind him and Virgil nearly jumped, not hearing Patton come in the kitchen. He luckily expected him, or that might have been an event.

“Morning, Pat,” Virgil turned around and smiled at him.

“Did you do it again?” Patton asked, glancing towards the eggs with a sad smile.

“Yeah. Beeps reminded me. I ate this time,” Virgil replied sheepishly. He shouldn’t feel guilty about this, right? Why is he guilty? He did what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t supposed to do anything. Ugh, it didn’t matter.

“Oh! That’s great! How about a post-jog apple?” Patton looked strangely mischievous for just offering Virgil an apple. Was Virgil missing something? He had to be missing something.

“Pat,” Virgil groaned and rolled his eyes. “I walked and sat at the dog park. It wasn’t exactly strenuous,” He pointed out, hoping for more of an inkling of Pat’s thought process.

“Half-apple,” Patton changed his offer, holding up a finger with another arm behind his back while he rocked on his feet. Okay, so probably not poisoned, anyway.

“Fine,” Virgil shifted his weight and sighed. “I’m gaining weight, you know, I’m not wasting away,” He shot Patton an annoyed look.

“I know,” Patton grinned widely. “Beeps, take Virgil to my room,” Patton leaned down and said cheerily to Beeps. Beeps pushed her nose against Virgil’s legs and started herding him out of the kitchen.

“Patton, this is ridiculous!” Virgil whined with annoyance as his service dog shoved him out of the kitchen and into Patton’s bedroom.

Beeps pulled the strap on the doorknob to close the door behind them once they were in. Virgil pouted and crossed his arms, pacing for a moment before sitting on the floor next to the bed moodily. Beeps sat at the door as a guard. He was her handler, and she’d let him pass, but she mostly sat there to remind him not to leave. He should have never agreed to train her for this. Well, it made sense at the time. It probably still makes sense. But he was going to be petulant about being treated like a naughty kid being sent to their room just because Patton was cutting up an apple.

Virgil leaned back against Patton’s bed. The comforter was cozy and Patton had the softest plush toys ever. He grabbed one to use as a pillow and rolled onto his side on the floor to relax while he waited. Virgil did miss sleeping on a bed. But asking for permission was awkward. It’s not like he was used to sleeping on a bed every night, anyway. But the nights he got to were good. He wanted that again. No! They weren’t good! He slept at the foot of the bed as if he was an animal! Sometimes he wasn’t even allowed a blanket! He doesn’t want that! Augh! Virgil rubbed his face in frustration and buried it in the marshmallowy soft doll.

“Are you okay in here, kiddo?” Patton asked softly after stepping in a few moments later.

“ _Dandy_ ,” Virgil responded sarcastically into the doll and didn’t let go.

“How about you let me upgrade that morning hug into a morning cuddle? Are you in a good enough place for that?” Patton asked tenderly, stepping up to the bed. Virgil gave a small nod in agreement. “Then get on the bed, mister. Let me set and let me set an alarm,” Patton told him brightly. Virgil grumbled to himself, but he did at least get permission to lie on the bed without having to make things weird. “Beeps!” Patton said and patted the foot of the bed. Beeps jumped up and laid down on the corner of the bed, monitoring Virgil. Virgil groaned to himself and kicked off his shoes to pull himself up onto the bed. He laid in it like a normal person but refused to remove his face from the doll. The bed shifted, and he felt Patton climb on. “I’m touching you now, okay?” Patton told him softly and Virgil nodded again. Patton wrapped his arms around Virgil and spooned against him. It happened gradually, but the tension started loosening and he quit burying his face in the giant plush. “Didja have a delightful time at the dog park?”

“Yeah. Nobody bothered me today. I got to read a little while Beeps played. That golden retriever she likes was there again,” Virgil said, finally relinquishing the doll and holding on to Patton’s arm wrapped around him instead.

“That sounds lovely. I had a bite of the eggs before preparing the apple, they’re very good. Thank you for cooking for us,” Patton replied kindly and Virgil sighed with relief. He didn’t understand why that felt good to hear, but he liked it every time.

Maybe it was because Patton wasn’t mad or Virgil didn’t do a terrible job, or maybe he just rarely was complimented in the past. He didn’t really know. But he enjoyed hearing it. And it didn’t want to admit he liked it out loud, because it worried him they would do it more and it would feel disingenuous or something. Because they really tried to help Virgil all the time. Which was frustrating and scary and so very wonderful. How the hell did he land such good friends? Were they actually good friends? Did Patton want something? Virgil groaned in frustration again and pulled the doll back to his face.

“Are you having a bit of a tough time this morning? Do you want me to call you in?” Patton asked, looking concerned. He didn’t want to sit around the house all day like the useless piece of shit he was. Fuck, god damnit. No. Not this again.

“No more than usual, Pat. I’m just fighting bad thoughts like I’m supposed to,” Virgil exhaled hard through his nose in frustration.

“Then, I’m proud of you, kiddo,” Patton pulled Virgil closer. Patton was an angel that Virgil didn’t deserve. Well, was he?

“Pat, you don’t… want anything, right?” Virgil asked quietly, feeling guilty for even voicing it. But he just wasn’t used to kindness without a cost, even after all this time.

“Nope,” Patton nestled his face into Virgil’s shoulder. “Though these cuddles are nice, I wouldn’t mind more of these on days where you’re comfortable enough with touching,” He chuckled breezily, being the actual sweetheart he was.

“Maybe,” Virgil muttered. He didn’t want to make any promises he couldn’t keep. Those would disappoint Patton and then Virgil would be left alone again because if he hurt an angel, like Patton, certainly everyone else would see how- shit, shit, shit, no. Those are dangerous waters. They swear they won’t abandon him. He had to attempt to believe them.

“It’s always your choice, Virgil,” Patton squeezed lightly. Choice sucked. Choices have consequences. Virgil hated choices. No, he didn’t. He wanted choices. He didn’t want awful things to happen. There’s a difference. Dr. Marco talked to him about this. This was exhausting. He’s been on a mental marathon this morning. Patton’s alarm went off and he slowly pulled his arm off of Virgil. “I’ve gotta go eat breakfast. You’ve got about ten minutes before you need to eat your apple and get ready to get to work if you want to keep laying here with Beeps,” Patton suggested softly.

“I’m allowed? Will you get me?” Virgil asked quietly, watching Patton with concern.

“Sure,” Patton rubbed Virgil’s shoulder and crawled off the bed. Virgil let the doll go and rolled over.

“Beeps,” Virgil patted the bed where Patton was laying and Beeps crawled up the bed and laid back down. Virgil put his arm around her lightly and buried his face in her fur. He enjoyed feeling her warmth and breathing for a while. She was so fucking soft. If he ever had his own place he’d want to bury himself in cats. He maybe can’t have his own place and all, but like three affectionate cats that would just lay on him when he laid down was the dream. Fuzzy purr machines. Beeps’ one flaw, the only one in the world, was that she couldn’t purr. Virgil stroked her fur gently and just basked in Patton’s bed.

“Hey Virge,” He heard Roman say, and the bed shifted slightly. Virgil looked up to see Roman’s bright smile. “Thanks for breakfast, it was great. Are you tired this morning?” He sat on the edge of the bed, looking as chipper as ever.

“Yeah. Brain marathon. I’ll hit up Remy at lunch for some go-go juice,” Virgil nodded and yawned, hiding it behind his hand.

“I’ll let him know,” Roman laughed airily, patting Virgil’s leg. “You think you’ll still be up for our evening run?” He asked, sounding unsure.

“Yeah, I think so. I’ll let you know when I get off work,” Virgil said and shifted up a bit to look at Roman. “Hey, I’m not… too much, right?” He asked meekly. “Please, be honest,” He added under his breath.

“No, you’re not. You’ll win the mental marathon in the end,” Roman responded reassuringly, keeping his hand on Virgil’s leg.

“You don’t _win_ at marathons,” Virgil scoffed, blowing his bangs out of his face.

“You’ll come out _ahead_ then,” Roman rolled his eyes, flipping his other hand. “It’s about time to take your medication,” Roman reminded him, changing the subject.

“I know. Patton cut me an apple to take it with. I’m enjoying bed until I have to take it. Patton said he’d come to get me,” Virgil groaned lightly, but he knew Roman was just being nice. He still didn’t appreciate being babysat. “I’ll be ready when you are,” He added, trying to reaffirm his adult status.

“I know you work with dogs, but would it kill you to have some panache?” Roman raised his eyebrows and motioned to Virgil’s outfit.

“It would kill my clothes. The dogs would eat any panache. I even have to hide my hoodie from them. Take me out somewhere nice and I’ll be fancy for you,” Virgil chuckled darkly. He’d lost enough things with loose sleeves to the dogs as it is.

“How about we go to the dollar store to get some Fancy Feast?” Roman smirked playfully, wiggling his right eyebrow.

“I’ll wear my finest gown,” Virgil rolled his eyes, flopping back onto the bed.

“Perhaps a double-date on the weekend,” Roman mused, leaning back on the bed.

“Trampoline park!” Virgil blurted out. He passed one on a walk with Beeps last week and really wanted to go. It looked awesome. Virgil and Roman never got to do those fun kid things growing up.

“You can’t dress fancy for a trampoline park,” Roman flipped his hand, looking confused. “Do they even let adults in?” He asked incredulously.

“They do during certain hours, I looked it up. And You can dress fancy anywhere but somewhere animals or children will literally try to eat your outfit,” Virgil told him resolutely with a firm nod. Roman looked taken aback for a moment, but he tilted his head for a moment in consideration. Roman was always a very visual thinker. He looked far away for a moment until he smiled like a dork and nodded vigorously.

“Okay, fancy trampoline park sounds amazing. You think Pat would-” Roman tried to start.

“Trampoline park?!” Patton shot, sounding excited and rushing into his bedroom, He jumped and wrapped himself around Roman’s shoulders, nearly tumbling both of them to the bed but they caught themselves before falling off the bed entirely.

“I think yes,” Virgil laughed at the complete ridiculousness of them stumbling over each other. “Pill time?” Virgil asked, still terribly amused.

“Pill time,” Patton nodded and Virgil pulled himself up, sending Beeps off the bed. He stretched out for a second before heading to the table.

“What about a trampoline park and where do I sign up and how do we get there and when do we go?” Patton rambled excitedly. Virgil tittered and walked past the pair of them to the kitchen table.

Patton left Virgil’s pills and a glass of water along with the half-apple out for him. He really was sweet. Virgil sat down and ate an apple slice. He opened the bottles and pulled out his pills while he chewed. He took all three with a large chug of water and ate another slice. He looked over to Patton, who was bouncing and rambling in excitement while Roman awkwardly rubbed his head in the doorway to Patton’s bedroom. Beeps pressed against Virgil’s legs while he snacked on the apple.

“Pat, I only _just_ suggested it and we’ve got to leave for work,” Virgil called over to Patton who stopped bouncing.

“Oh, shoot, you’re right,” Patton said, heading into his room. “I’m holding you to the trampoline park!” Patton called from his bedroom and came back out with his giant gym bag.

“Kick some ass today, Patton,” Virgil nodded to him as Patton rushed past into the kitchen to fill his unwieldy gallon water bottle.

“Don’t you mean kick some _balls_?” Patton chuckled. “Oof, never mind,” Patton said and flinched, shaking his head. Virgil broke out laughing and was lucky he didn’t choke on the apple. He also heard Roman chortling across the living room. “Remy knows my schedule this weekend, you can ask him. I haven’t checked it yet. Bye, Love you!” Patton said in a rush, shoving his filled gallon bottle into his gym bag.

“Love you,” Roman and Virgil both shouted back, still chuckling a little while Patton rushed out the door. Virgil got up from the table to clean the small plate the apple slices were on and headed into Patton’s room to grab his shoes. He slid them back on and returned to the kitchen. Roman was already throwing things into their lunch boxes.

“Dude, I told you I’m going to Moonlighters for lunch, I don’t need that much food,” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“It’ll keep in the lunch box for you to bring home,” Roman shrugged and slid containers of soup into each lunch box and zipped them up. There was a generally unnecessary amount of food shoved in there just for lunch. Virgil grabbed Beep’s leash and her collapsible water dish along with his water bottle. Roman slipped his own water bottle in the pouch on his lunch box. He walked to go slip on his shoes and they were out the door and down to Roman’s car shortly.

Virgil and Beeps climbed into the back seat and Beeps rested across Virgil’s lap while Virgil held on to her. Roman chatted about all the upcoming auditions he was going for. The theatre company from last season kept him on, so Roman got to focus on the art instead of the income. Now that Virgil was making money, though, they all had a little money to spare. He wasn’t being as massive of a burden as he had been. He still cost them too much, though.

It was relatively easy to afford a two-bedroom apartment between four people. They weren’t flush with cash or anything, but they could do things like go out or buy clothes or even take day trips, now. Virgil admittedly would rather do art full time, but he didn’t mind getting paid to hang out with dogs. It was much less soul-crushing than office work and his hours were more stable. Virgil stroked Beeps’ fur and looked out the window while Roman drove. Another fucking day to get through. Joy.


	2. See if you Missed Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has A Day™

Virgil leaned forward on the counter, sketching vaguely in his sketchbook while he and Beeps monitored the dogs. He had worked with the dogs that clients had paid for training with already, and he was basically just watching the dogs until Remus got here for his shift. Virgil was getting exhausted just sitting here. The end of his shift was encroaching and he could walk to the coffee shop for coffee and to eat lunch, but his eyelids were fighting him. They trained Beeps to bring Virgil’s awareness back if he disassociated. And that was a lot like passing out, so he at least had her to lean on. There maybe was something in his lunch box, though. 

“Beeps, stay. Charlie, play nice,” Virgil commanded them and headed into the back to check for something to make sure he didn’t crash. He shoved a carrot stick in his mouth out of habit while he searched, finding a piece of dark chocolate. Oh, thanks to whoever put this in here. Virgil unwrapped it and popped it in his mouth immediately, making sure the wrapper got in the lidded can before heading back out. 

“Did you kids play nice?” Virgil asked when he returned, met with a bark from Pepper. Beeps was still sitting at her post. Virgil patted her head. “Thank you, Beeps,” He scratched behind her ear. Virgil returned to doing gesture sketches of the dogs as they ran around while he waited. A glance at the clock on the wall said he had another thirty minutes before any other humans were due, other than potential walk-ins. This was an outstanding job. He couldn’t thank Remus enough for helping him get it when there was an opening. The owner actually was very cool about Virgil’s service dog (unlike most other places), and he appreciated the range of things that Virgil knew how to train. He also liked that Beeps acted like aloof royalty around the other dogs. 

The owner wanted to make Beeps a mascot on the store’s _Instagram_ , but Virgil wasn’t comfortable with that. He didn’t want people coming in to think it was okay to touch or distract her. Most clients just wanted their own dogs and left her alone, though. There were a few—like that damn lady with the demon poodle—where Virgil had to keep Beeps behind the counter because she kept trying to pet her and get her attention. But this place mostly had repeat rich people clients, so he mostly knew what to expect from the clientele by now. Doggy daycare and professional training was a luxury, after all. 

Virgil’s least favourite duty was dog grooming. It was Remus’s favourite. He loved wrestling with the dogs and convincing them to calm down. He thought it was fun to get soaked along with the dogs. Virgil couldn’t understand the enjoyment. He felt like a drowned rat every time he got a thrasher. He understands the concept of expansion to keep the business afloat, he really does. But wet dogs were _demons_ from _hell_ sent to _punish_ Virgil for his indiscretions, and he wished he didn’t ever have to do it. 

Remus sometimes would swap shifts with him, though, if they scheduled multiple people for grooming some days. Remus hated sitting still, so Virgil always took shifts where not much was happening. But normally Virgil worked the mornings and Remus worked the afternoons, other than when they alternated with Seth and Nolan. It was just the four of them and the owner. He usually came in for afternoons and worked in the back. He rarely handled the dogs himself other than playing with them. The owner’s wife helped from time to time. She enjoyed grooming, too, but in general, Virgil hadn’t seen her unless there were an excessive amount of dogs in one day. The owner basically used her as an emergency or backup employee. 

Virgil glanced at the clock. Remus would be due to arrive soon. Virgil had intentionally put off washing this one terrier who wasn’t scheduled to get picked up until the evening. He wasn’t that dirty, so he wasn’t stinking up the shop or anything, though Virgil just didn’t want to do it. Technically, he should wait for someone else to watch the dogs during long grooming sessions like a dog known to fight baths, so he wasn’t in the wrong. But he felt guilty about it all the same. The terrier was perfectly fine to play with but once water hit him he made demonic noises and would start snapping. Virgil had no idea what happened to that poor dog in the past, but he needed therapy, too. 

Remus was much better with the more wild dogs than Virgil could ever be. They vibed with him or something. Virgil wouldn’t mind kicking back with Remus until Pat was free to pick him up or even taking the bus home, but Remy got off work basically just after Virgil did, and he could only get free stuff if Remy or Pat were on shift. And he needed that fucking coffee today. He didn’t want to be _tired Virgil_ , who kept forgetting who he was and doing embarrassing shit. Not that he _needed_ to be overtired for that to happen. Virgil was annoyingly forgetful these days.

Virgil got up to play with a labrador who had the zoomies. He grabbed a tug toy out of the toy bin and they played tug of war. Virgil let him win and the dog took a victory lap before coming back to play tug of war again. It was cute as hell. Virgil pulled him close since he didn’t recognize this dog right away and read his tag. His name was Banner. 

“Are you the _Incredible Hulk_? Is that why you keep winning?” Virgil cooed as he tugged gently at the toy. The dog’s tail wagged happily and Virgil gave a few more good tugs before letting him win and he ran off and laid down with his trophy, panting and looking pleased. A springer spaniel called Alice bumped his leg with a ball, and he leaned down to take it and threw it for her. This riled up a few of the other dogs, and Virgil went to grab an arm full of tennis balls to throw for all of them. 

“Heya, V,” Remus waved as he walked in through the back entrance as Virgil kept receiving balls to throw from a few different dogs. 

“Hey Ream,” Virgil saluted back. Remus went into the backroom to go put his stuff down and take off his jacket. He came back out and stood next to Virgil, taking a few of the balls. 

“Any trouble makers today?” Remus asked, throwing a tennis ball. 

“Charlie’s here today. She’s been okay this morning other than a scuffle. That terrier, Frankie, needs grooming. Sorry about leaving it for you,” Virgil said sheepishly. 

“Nah, no problem. Charlie’s always on better behaviour when Beeps is on guard,” Remus chuckled. “I’ll go wash Frankie while you’re still here,” Remus smiled. “Frankie!” Remus called out. The terrier was napping in the sun and raised its head. “Same as usual right, just the trim, and the bath?” Remus asked. 

“Yeah. The usual. She requested a ‘manly’ bandanna,” Virgil rolled his eyes. 

“Hot pink it is!” Remus laughed as he went over to Frankie to go pick him up and take him to the grooming room. Virgil kept playing with the dogs and wearing them out for a little longer until they also wore him out. Virgil sat on the floor and a shih tzu came over and happily plopped down next to him for pets. 

“Hey, Button,” Virgil scratched her ears and gave her nice long pets. Beeps marched over closer and defended Virgil while he was on the ground, watching carefully for any moves that indicated Virgil was in trouble. “Thank you, Beeps. I’m just tired. Do you want to take a break?” Virgil asked, reaching out to pet her head. She pressed her head into his hand. “Stand down,” Virgil told her to stop paying attention to him and take a break. 

Beeps flopped happily into his lap and lolled her tongue out, and Virgil scratched the two dogs in unison. Best job ever. After a few minutes of pets, Beeps went to go run through the playscape. Beeps adored the slide. A bulldog named Charles took her place for pets while Virgil watched Beeps slide down the slide and make laps through the playscape to get back to it. She could really book it and attracted another two dogs to join her laps around the play area.

Virgil got up to go check all the water fountains for any debris the filter couldn’t handle or residue so he could clean them when Remus returned. A few needed top-offs, so Virgil handled that, and there were two to clean. Virgil pet Charlie and a dachshund named Minnie while he waited for Remus so he could take the fountains to the big sink and clean them out. 

— ≠ —

“See you later, Ream,” Virgil reached around to give Remus a side hug while he played with the dogs. Remus wrapped an arm back around and squeezed in return while he played tug of war with a pair of dogs on the same large toy. Remus kissed Virgil’s hair and Virgil flushed a little from the affection. He still wasn’t quite used to casual affection and contact yet. Remus enjoyed embarrassing Virgil, though, so he was basically human exposure therapy. He very rarely pushed Virgil when he couldn’t handle it, though. 

Remus had gotten very… attentive since the whole dumpster-fire of a situation. He watched Virgil like a hawk. Virgil didn’t appreciate being watched so closely, but Dr. Marco said it may be Remus’s way of coping and it was nice of him to do as long as he maintained Virgil’s boundaries. And Remus ordinarily did. He got too intense sometimes. It was just another thing that upset Virgil, though. It always came back to Virgil’s struggle with independence, and they were working on that in therapy. He just had to try not to lash out while he worked on accepting it. 

“See ya! Have a nice lunch, dude,” Remus said brightly and waved. Virgil and Beeps headed out the front door with his lunch box and started walking to Moonlighters. He had less than thirty minutes to get there if he wanted free coffee, so Virgil picked up the pace and switched to jogging quickly. He’d be more tired, but there would be coffee, so it would balance out. Hopefully, by the time he had a caffeine crash, he’d be so tired he’d just sleep instead of being an idiot. No. Act strange from sleep deprivation. 

The afternoon sun was a little harsh in his hoodie, but he wouldn’t dare take it off outside of work today. He avoided showing his scars and marks as much as possible on his bad days. The dogs would tug on loose long sleeves at work, so it was the only time he made an exception. And the looks he got from clients when they saw his arms weren’t exactly his favourite thing either. He did his best to just avoid looking at them while his jacket was off, which was a feat in itself. Virgil’s vitamin deficiencies while he healed resulted in more scars than anyone could count. He had lots of hypertrophic scars, too. They weren’t able to sell any scar removal treatments to the insurance company as a psychiatric, so Virgil had to just learn to live with them. He still hadn’t figured out how, yet.

Virgil made it to Moonlighters with ten minutes to spare. He slowed down and caught his breath while he walked up to the front door and went in. The door rang with a low ding when he entered, drawing the eyes of the staff and two people seated near the door, making Virgil tense up. They made sure Virgil wouldn’t have a breakdown in public places before they discharged him, but he still hated it when people looked at him like that. 

“Babilicious! I was wondering if you changed your mind and forgot to text me,” Remy waved as he leaned over the counter at the barista station. 

“Hey, Remy. Hey Andy,” Virgil saluted them. 

“Hey, dude,” Andy waved boredly and watched the TV. 

“So what tickles your fancy today?” Remy smiled as Virgil walked up past the other patrons to the barista counter. 

“Blended Iced Mocha, extra juice, extra chocolate, and whipped cream,” Virgil replied, taking a table near the counter. Beeps situated herself under the table and out of the way. 

“You got it, queen,” Remy winked and shot some finger guns before starting to make Virgil’s drink. Remy had a few customer drinks to handle, but he also slid one of those croissant sandwiches on the counter with Virgil’s drink. Ah, the feeding Virgil conspiracy. He didn’t even need a lunch box today with a whole free sandwich. “Here ya go. I got a few things to finish up in the back, so you can take your time eating. Even though my _shift_ is nearly up and I shouldn’t be _stuck here_ ,” He said, sounding annoyed. Virgil got up to gather his things and sat back down, so ready for the caffeine. Anton came out to replace him as the barista with a bright grin.

“Oh, hello, Virgil,” He said airily as he got to work. 

“Hey, Anton,” Virgil nodded and sipped his drink. 

Man, Remy could make drinks that were addictive. Virgil took a bite of his weird croissant sandwich, which was only slightly stale, and chewed with satisfaction. He liked turkey and provolone. He hated eating, but that was neither here nor there at this point. Virgil just had to force himself. He was glad the sandwich was kind of cold, because he was overheating in his hoodie after the jog. Virgil flapped his hoodie to get a little airflow while he sipped the liquid sugar beast and slowly cooled off. Remy’s car had air conditioner issues they were saving up to fix, so he’d just have to do his best to cool down in the time it took Remy to finish up. 

The sandwich had become a struggle, but he defeated it in the end. Patton would hopefully be proud despite Virgil not eating much out of his lunch box. Roman over-packed it, anyway. But Virgil could just throw it in the fridge and use it tomorrow. Virgil leaned back and sipped his coffee and relished the feeling of waking back up. He wanted to have a good day today. 

“You can’t have that in here,” Some snotty sounding lady walked up to Virgil. Virgil stiffened, and Beeps sat up to press on his legs. 

“Can’t… have what?” Virgil asked meekly, though he had a feeling he knew where this was going. 

“Your _dog_! It says ‘No Animals’ on the door!” She raised her voice and lectured angrily, and Virgil shrank into himself. Please, no. Virgil balled up and shook, unsure what to do. He was terrible at self-advocating, and he already felt like he was panicking. Beeps whimpered and pawed at his lap, unable to reach him with the small table in the way and trying to get him to come down, but he didn’t feel like he could move. Beeps moved to stand between him and the person instead, blocking her. “ _Excuse_ me, I’m talking to you!” Virgil put his hands over his ears, but he was so on edge it barely muffled the room. Beeps turned her head to bark at Anton and continued to stand stiffly between her and him. 

“Remy!” Andy shouted into the back room. Virgil wrapped himself up tightly and tried to breathe. “Ma’am, excuse me, please stop. You’re frightening him,” Andy said placatingly, though he sounded frustrated. 

“He has a dog in here! You serve _food_! Why haven’t you kicked him out?” She demanded, motioning widely. Oh god, he fucked up, he fucked up, he fucked up—what was he doing out of the house? No, no, he’s supposed to—fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck—

“Virgil,” Remy stated in his ear. “Are you here with me?” He asked softly. Virgil swallowed, but he couldn’t respond. He was slipping. He was already partially gone, even. It relieved Virgil, since he didn’t want to be here. He’s not supposed to—“You want me to tap out a count?” Remy asked. Virgil nodded weakly again and squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t take much more of this.

“Excuse me! Why aren’t you kicking him out? Right there!” She demanded, and Virgil flinched again. The tapping was getting too distant to count and keep himself grounded, even though Remy’s staccato taps were varied enough to engage him.

“Bitch, I’m sorry you can’t read and all, but that’s a service animal and you need to get your head out of your ass far enough to see the door,” Remy said firmly. Virgil didn’t like the firm voice, he didn’t like it—Remy’s finger’s tapped gently on his shoulder and he worked on breathing and counting Remy’s finger taps. Twenty, twenty-one and two, twenty-three—

“How dare you speak like that to me! Where is your manager?” She screeched, and Virgil flinched hard and felt that dizzy sensation he felt just before he shut down. He couldn’t feel Remy’s finger’s anymore. 

“I am the manager and you need to leave before I call the cops on your ass,” Remy hissed. “Get the hell out of here. If you are anything but polite to my staff and the guests the next time I see you, you’re getting banned faster than I can cuss you out. Re-evaluate your god damn life before you come back here,” Remy scolded her harshly. She scoffed loudly, and Virgil heard a stomping noise. Virgil knew the pain was coming. Stomping usually meant caning or whipping. Virgil dropped his hands to his knees and lowered his head, staring blankly ahead.

“Ma’am, do you need to be escorted out?” Virgil heard Anton ask distantly. He mostly heard his ears ringing after that. There were words and sounds, but he heard nothing that even vaguely sounded like an order and the rest didn’t matter. Things were still moving around him, but his sight blurred too much to see what. He was too far gone to process anything that wasn’t an order.

“—gil. Hey. Virgil. Come on, listen to me,” He heard an upset voice through the ringing. Virgil raised his head a little to hear it better. “Come on, the car,” The voice sounded annoyed, but Virgil didn’t know what to do with those words. “Virgil, let’s go to the car. Stand up,” It said, much firmer, and Virgil could understand that. He uncurled and got up out of the chair. He couldn’t look up, but he could follow. Those were the rules. Virgil knew them backward and forwards and upside down. It was all he knew right now. Virgil followed obediently outside and into the parking lot. 

“Lay down in the back,” The voice was less firm this time, but it was still an order. Remy opened the backseat door to a bright blue car. Virgil crawled in and laid down obediently, and a dog hopped up right away and laid down on his chest. The car shifted, and some music came on. “Okay, I’ll be back in three minutes. I need you to breathe deep. Can you breathe deep for me?” It asked, sounding slightly desperate. 

Virgil stared, breathing as deep as he could muster. He stared blankly at the ceiling of the car and did as he was told. The weight on his chest meant he had to focus exclusively on expanding his lungs completely. Following orders was ingrained into him, and it didn’t matter that it was an arduous task. He started feeling tingling in his fingers and toes eventually, and after a few blinks he realized he was in Remy’s car which was not only moving but Remy was listening to The Backstreet Boys. Virgil reached up to pet Beeps and kept trying to breathe deep. He was fuzzy on what happened, but he was even more tired than when he got to the coffee shop. 

“Does it have to be 90s boy bands?” Virgil groaned _NYSC_ played next on the speakers. 

“Oh, I was just trying to annoy you into sense,” Remy laughed, sounding relieved. “We’re almost home,” He added after a moment of amusement. Virgil rolled his eyes and wiped off the sweat from his forehead. 

“Work,” Virgil objected. He needed to go back and finish his shift. He only had two hours left to get through. 

“That’s not happening and we both know it. I already called Remus. He says he’s got it handled,” Remy replied shortly. Fuck, he annoyed Remy. Virgil didn’t want to fight him or upset him further. 

“It’s so fuckin’ hot,” Virgil sighed, deciding just to give up and let Remy take care of him. He was still kind of out of it, anyway. Maybe Remy was right. Or maybe Remy was trying to get him fired? No, that would be bad for Remy. He wouldn’t do that to himself. 

“You’re wearing a hoodie in the summer, what do you think was going to happen?” Remy pointed out cattily. 

“You know why I keep it on,” Virgil responded quietly. 

“Whatever. I made some lemonade yesterday, it’ll help you cool down,” Remy shrugged dismissively. 

“Neat,” Virgil breathed. It was only a few more minutes of more annoying 90s argument ballads until they got home. Remy didn’t even play ‘ _I Want it That Way_ ’, which was almost rude. Virgil narrowed his eyes at Remy in annoyance. Maybe his hair-brained scheme worked in a weird way, though.

Virgil focused enough to be okay heading inside, but he felt drained and fuzzy. Virgil slipped off his hoodie and dropped to the living room floor, where Beeps climbed right back on top of him. He watched the ceiling fan spin to life and closed his eyes. He was getting drowsy under Beeps. Virgil reached up and pet her fur once before dropping his arm again and just enjoying the cool air and the warm dog on the floor. 

“Hey, Pat will kill me if I let you fall asleep on the floor,” Remy protested to Virgil’s comfy floor naptime. Virgil opened his eyes to see Remy leaning over him. 

“Dirty. Shower first,” Virgil mumbled out his eventual plan. He was sweaty and covered in random dog fur and didn’t want to make the couch gross. Right now he wasn’t sure about how he felt about being alone, though. He knew he felt worse about someone else in the bathroom with him, though. 

“Gurl,” Remy narrowed his eyes at Virgil. “If you need to shower, then shower,” Remy pointed to the bathroom. Virgil sighed and tried to sit up automatically, but Beeps was still on top of him. He motioned for Beeps to clear off. Beeps got off and sat next to him patiently.

“I…” Virgil swallowed. “Are you sure?” He confirmed with Remy. Beeps can’t get to him easily in the shower since she can’t open the shower door. Remy won’t be there. He didn’t want anyone there. But he could also hurt himself. He did sometimes when he was out of it and in a bad place. 

“If you take more than ten minutes I’m coming in,” Remy held out his hand to help Virgil up. “Keep Beeps on duty and the door cracked so she can get me,” Remy came up with a decent compromise. 

“Okay,” Virgil breathed and took Remy’s hand. Remy pulled him up and patted his back before he pushed Virgil in the bathroom’s direction. It seemed reasonable enough. He could do this. Remy would help keep him responsible. Virgil pulled off his clothes and got into the shower hastily. He would have to scrub fast. He just had to try not to scrub too hard. Virgil did his best to focus on keeping present. Stay in the present. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t slip away. 

“Five-minute warning,” Remy said after a sharp knock at the door. Virgil looked to the door for a moment. He was doing okay still, but he appreciated the reminder. It helped him stay here instead of somewhere else. Staying present. He had to stay present. Virgil finished his shower and got out to dry off. He was still in a haze but made it. He reached the counter to get dressed fruitlessly a few times. “Ten minutes, babe,” Remy said, knocking on the door. “Talk to me or I’m coming in,” He demanded.

“I forgot clothes,” Virgil replied through the bathroom door and wrapped the towel around himself. Okay, so he _was_ out of it. Just here enough to realize he was. Virgil checked the bathroom counter and his limbs swiftly for any damage. He was good. Relatively, anyway. His arms were just a little raw, but the rest of him was alright. 

“I’ve got it, bee ar bee,” Remy knocked one more time. The door opened a few moments later with some pyjamas for Virgil to change into. He didn’t get why Remy gave him pyjamas, but he understood little at the moment, so it didn’t matter. Remy closed the door and Virgil got dressed and slid the towel on the rack to dry. “Go to bed, hoe,” Remy pointed at the couch, which was already made up for Virgil. 

“Remy,” Virgil sighed in minor protest, but he started walking towards the couch because of how direct it was.

“I’ll wake you up after two hours, don’t worry about it. You were passing out after two shots of espresso. It means you have to take a fucking nap,” Remy scolded him. Virgil shirked back a bit from Remy. He knew he was out of it and needed to trust Remy. But it was so hard. He felt vulnerable and unsafe. 

“I’ll be okay?” Virgil asked as he laid down and pulled up the blanket. 

“We’ve got you,” Remy softened and nodded. Virgil patted his chest and Beeps hopped back up to help ground him. Virgil closed his eyes and sighed. Sleep is good after a panic attack. Beeps will make sure he doesn’t get up. He needed to sleep. It was going to be okay. He just had to keep breathing deep, and he’d be okay. Was he okay? He was okay. Virgil took a deep breath and let it out as gradually as possible as his doctor taught him. 

This was all so hard. Everything felt too hard. But he didn’t feel like he had to leave the bed because he didn’t have permission, and that was something. Virgil was very hot up against Beeps and scooted back to lay back closer to the middle of the bed and cool down while he focused on breathing. He needed to be okay. He needed to look okay so nobody would know he heard. He couldn’t let them know. 

Breathing long and slow had once nice side effect other than staving off panic attacks, and that was that Virgil’s body was feeling that pleasant tingling before falling asleep, and if Virgil just let himself, he could go to sleep along with it and not have to deal with anything until his therapist’s appointment, where he’d get help dealing with things. Virgil reached out and gave Beeps a few scratches behind the ears and closed his eyes. In for eight, hold for eight, out for eight and Virgil was out before he had to restart the count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to [Lallaina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lallaina/pseuds/Lallaina) for being a beta, but also being a fantastic, wonderful, and kind person!


	3. Gather Them Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil just wants this day to be _over_.

Something didn’t seem right. Virgil stopped mid-wipe while he cleaned the bedroom. He looked around and stood stiff to figure out what was wrong. But everything was in its place. He’d cleaned up, the sheets were fresh, and he was wiping off the meager amount of dust from the candles. It even smells nice in here. The mild lemon scent from when he polished the wood on his dresser mixed with the sweet scent of the leather honey. What was wrong? Maybe it was just one of those irrational times. He swore the temperature dropped, though. 

A loud crashing sound rang out in the other room. Virgil jumped in fear and a tight shiver wracked his spine and made him curl into himself. Oh, that’s what was wrong. Zi was pissed as hell to start throwing shit. This was bad. He tried to fight the instinct to hide. Zi always found him and hiding earned more punishments. He put down the candle, chucked the rag in the dresser to hide it, and dropped into position on the floor. It seemed like the safest option. The bedroom door slammed open and rattled as it bounced off the wall. Zi glared down at him on the floor, radiating fury. 

“Slave, what are you doing?” Zi demanded fiercely, looming over Virgil with an overwhelming heat from his body. 

“I was cleaning, master,” Virgil swallowed heavily, trying to brace himself.

“Are you trying to make things easier on yourself?” Zi hissed savagely, leaning down over Virgil, consuming him. 

“I don’t understand,” Virgil squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t know what he did wrong to earn this distrust.

“There are papers missing from my office,” Zi accused him and Virgil flinched. 

“Master, I swear, I didn’t even go in there today,” Virgil pleaded with him, keeping his eyes locked on the floor while he gripped his knees.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, you piece of shit,” Zi growled and pulled Virgil up by the collar of his shirt and threw him back against the dresser. Virgil cried out in pain as the hard edge of the dresser slammed into his spine and jabbed between the vertebrae. 

“V! Virgil!” What the fuck was that sound? His back exploded in pain and he collapsed against the floor, under Zillah, who reached down for him menacingly. “Virge!” He felt something pressing on his chest. He looked around desperately and couldn’t figure out what was happening. “V, you’re safe, okay?” Remy asserted desperately. Virgil’s eyes shot open as his heart jumped into his throat and he gasped for air. 

For a terrifying moment, he thought this might be a ‘wake-up call’, and choked on his breath. He looked up to see Remy being uncharacteristically scared and not Zillah’s vicious grin, which helped him calm down immediately. Beeps, his angel of a service dog, and not Zillah pinned him. Things were okay. Relatively, anyway. Better than that nightmare, at least.

“Oh, sweet Gerard Way,” Virgil took a deep shuddering breath, and Beeps gently licked Virgil’s chin. “That wasn’t a good one,” He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to focus on exhaling gradually to calm down.

“You fucking screamed in your sleep, no shit _it wasn’t a good one_. Do you know where you are?” Remy asked, pressing his hand into Virgil’s shoulder. 

“Yeah… yeah, I do. Thanks. My back is killing me,” Virgil grunted and tapped Beeps to have her get off so Virgil could stretch out the phantom pains. Or they could also be sleeping on couch pains. In theory, stretching out his back should help either way. Beeps hopped off and continued to stare at him while he slowly got up and started bending from side to side to reset his muscles. 

“We should get you one of those back pillows for the couch,” Remy hummed and continued to make a worried expression. “That heinous bitch earlier really set you off, didn’t she?” Remy asked as he watched Virgil bend. Who? Oh, right. _That_ person.

“It was an already iffy day to start. Not that she _helped_ any,” Virgil huffed and stretched out his shoulders. “I fucking hate that the brain can go ‘time to relive this memory!’ and you can’t tell it’s not real. It’s bullshit,” He grumbled and leaned back to stretch out his lower back. “And yeah, I want one of those pillows,” He added sourly. His lower back pulsated with stabbing pains at the moment that he wished he could avoid.

“That is fucking bullshit,” Remy nodded sagely in agreement. “You want help?” He asked, still looking concerned. 

“Yeah, come hold my hips,” Virgil asked, and Remy came over to hold Virgil from the front. Virgil bent down as far as his back would let him, nearly reaching the floor if Remy had let go. The stretch was better this way, though, as much as it was fun walking around like a possessed person. 

“Holy shit, how do you do that?” Remy sounded in awe. 

“Keeping limber was just a smart move,” Virgil shook his head and stepped back to bend forward and touch his toes. “You can always exercise with me and Ro if you want to get on my level,” He added lackadaisically. 

“Honey, exercising? Getting sweaty? Not glam,” Remy sassed him playfully. “My fifteen thousand something steps at work and some sit-ups are good enough for me. You and Ro are maso—uh, morons,” Remy caught himself. Virgil rolled his eyes along with his shoulders. He appreciated the effort, even if he knew it would have been a joke. 

“It’s true, we are dummy thicc,” Virgil winked and Remy broke down cackling. 

“You two are unfairly hot,” Remy sighed wistfully. “Obviously, I go more for himbos than hunks, but in a universe where you are more of an idiot I’d be down,” He blew Virgil a facetious kiss.

“There’s a chance in that universe you aren’t into himbos and it still doesn’t work out, either way,” Virgil pointed out and stretched out his neck.

“Aw, boo,” Remy pouted, dramatically puffing out his lower lip. “I love Ro, but I hope there’s some other world where I got frisky with you,” Remy stuck out his tongue and winked back. 

“You’re a dork,” Virgil huffed, stretching his legs. “You’ve been my friend for so long you’re more like a brother or cousin,” He reminded him under his breath.

“Right, I know, you’re into evil suave guys and sugar daddies,” Remy continued to tease him. 

“I’m not afraid to punch you for implying Jan is my sugar daddy,” Virgil groaned, pulling up his foot to stretch his thigh.

“Bitch, I’m playing,” Remy laughed and stuck out his tongue. Virgil groaned and slumped in the spot dramatically. 

“Whatever, can I make dinner tonight? I want shrimp scampi,” Virgil grumbled sourly, changing the subject. Remy could always rile Virgil up, and as much as Virgil loved him and loved the normalcy of it all, he did sometimes push Virgil’s buttons. Virgil couldn’t stand people insulting his romantic partners. He was aware Remy was playing, but it still made him feel gross, since defending anyone that wasn’t Zillah felt wrong and that fact alone was disturbing.

“It’s my night, so… of fucking course,” Remy grinned playfully. “Make some Italian stuffed bell peppers and zucchini with it, be classy bitches. We can invite Jan,” He teased Virgil again in a sing-song voice. Virgil paused while he processed that suggestion he was incredibly into. He always relished the opportunity to cook for Janus. They’d all gotten too busy for movie nights and they hadn’t had a potluck since the first one and Virgil would take any excuse to have his friends together. He wasn’t comfortable inviting Jan over since this wasn’t Virgil’s apartment, but since Remy suggested it, this was a free pass.

“You just don’t want to cook,” Virgil snickered lightly and squatted down to take off Beeps’ vest. 

“And you want to cook, it’s a match made in heaven,” Remy patted Virgil on the shoulders as he passed and headed into his bedroom. “I’ll ask Ro to pick up one of those pillows for you on the way home,” He added before shutting the door behind him. Beeps zoomed around the living room. He folded up the vest and put it on his plastic dresser, smiling as she buried her whole face in the toy bin and pulled out a squeaky cupcake that had a distressed expression. He didn’t know where Remus found those toys, but Beeps liked his taste. 

Virgil pulled out his phone to text and ask if Janus wanted to come over for dinner. Remy riled him up often, but he was good at helping Virgil bounce back without knowing it. Remy never pussyfooted about things, and it helped Virgil feel… normal. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like Remy trusted him. Virgil found himself incredibly comforted with things like that. Virgil wanted to feel trusted to be independent, even if he couldn’t be. Remy gave Virgil lots of toom to make his own choices. That was bigger than any snide comments or upsetting things Remy said. Virgil craved that feeling of capability and functionality when it felt like so much of his life he wasn’t either.

He went to the kitchen and washed off the bell peppers and zucchini for Remy to cut up. Even if Jan didn’t come, it would still be nice food, but he hoped Janus would agree to have dinner with them. He hated inviting people to things because getting turned down always made him feel like people hated him. He’d been working on it in therapy, otherwise, he probably wouldn’t have been able to work up the courage to invite Janus. His gut reaction of people hating him because of any little thing that went wrong was so fucking draining and he didn’t have the strength to deal with it today. He needed an easy night with kisses from Janus. 

“Remy, do you even know how to cut bell peppers for this?” Virgil shouted out as he pulled out the big roasting pan to make them. 

“I’ll do boats!” Remy called back. Virgil shrugged in vague agreement, since that seemed good enough. The crispy part of the stuffing was the best part, anyway. He pulled out a quart bag of shrimp from the freezer and left them to defrost in the sink while he waited. He set everything out he’d need and grabbed Beeps’ leash off the hook. She came running up and sat down expectantly. 

“I’m going to take Beeps for a bathroom break, be back,” Virgil shouted and grabbed his keys. Remy said something unintelligible, but it was probably an acknowledgment. 

Off-duty Beeps was always very excited about walks. She also had to be on-task a lot today and surely relished the break. She got in all the sniffing and journeying she wasn’t allowed to do with the vest on. The apartment complex had a ‘dog park’, or rather ‘a fenced-off drainage ditch with a garbage can’ if you wanted to be more accurate. But the area is good enough for her to crap in, so he cared little about the quality of the amenities. Beeps played with other dogs all the time at work, and Virgil took her to the larger city dog park often.

Virgil unleashed her once he closed up the fence. “Go potty,” Virgil commanded, and Beeps sauntered off to go use the restroom. Virgil gathered a poop-bag from the dispenser and chilled out. He cleaned up after her and watched her run around. She ran around with some kind of lab-mix that was also in here right now. Virgil made his way to the bench to sit. Beeps came back over after playing with the lab-mix and Virgil hooked her back up to return to the apartment. 

He had sort of spaced out of the way back, but Beeps led him back just fine, even off from duty. She rushed over to her water dish after they got inside and Virgil released her. He washed his hands and collapsed down onto the couch with a sigh. Virgil used his phone to put his music on the speaker so he could just vibe while cooking. Scampi was quick to make. Most of the effort will be the bell peppers. Janus finally texted back that he wanted to come, and Virgil’s face split into the dopiest grin. He hated how much of an idiot he was about Jan still, but being head-over-heels was still a nice feeling, even if he was guilty about it. 

“Jan’s coming?” Remy asked smarmily from his bedroom door. 

“Shut up, fucker,” Virgil sighed as his face grew hot. “I’m going to go sketch in your room, get me when it’s knife-free cooking time,” Virgil huffed, pushing down on his knees to head into Roman and Remy’s room. Remy cackled as he passed to head to the kitchen. 

Virgil threw himself into the desk chair and spun around, moving Roman’s laptop out of the way and pulling out the sketchbook they let him keep in here. Virgil glanced around for inspiration. Roman and Remy’s tastes combined were always a little odd to process. Roman had play posters up and two of Virgil’s paintings. Remy had three kinds of string lights because the overhead lights hurt his head. The strips were of palm trees, stars, and martinis. They adorned the bed in red, brown, and white. A pile of throw pillows on the floor that was intended to decorate the bed. They very rarely made the bed, so he didn’t get the purpose of the decorative pillows they never used. One just said ‘bitch’ in giant sequins, and he didn’t know where Remy found it and it was secretly Virgil’s favourite one, even if they were meaningless pillows. Did Virgil just relate to a throw pillow? Fuck.

He continued to look around for an artistic muse. There were a few cute trophies on the bookshelf, and Roman had some Funko Pops from Kingdom Hearts next to them. Roman in those giant puffy shorts Sora wore was kind of a hilarious mental image. He figured he may as well. Virgil turned back to the desk and started drawing Kingdom Hearts Roman with as many unnecessary zippers as he could shove in. Evil cloak Remy also seemed appropriate, so he loomed in the background with some paopu fruit iced tea. 

Virgil glanced up, and Remy hadn’t come to close the bedroom door. Beeps wasn’t on duty or tasked to keep him in the room. It seemed like a surprising amount of trust when Virgil already admitted having a bad day. It made him feel good all over again. He couldn’t hear the chopping over the BlueTooth speaker playing indie rock, but it wouldn’t be hard to just walk in and see. He didn’t feel like he deserved the trust, but he tried to not let that get to him. Beeps was decimating the sad cupcake toy in the middle of the living room. He wanted to see how far he could get.

He chuckled and got up, heading into the living room on impulse. Remy said nothing when he saw Virgil exit through the pass-through, he just nodded. Fuck. Virgil reached up to the high shelf they kept the treats on and pulled down a pig’s ear. Beeps ears shot up, and she dropped the toy right away, wagging her tail wildly as she sat patiently in place. Virgil handed her off the pig’s ear and she started gnawing at it happily. He looked over to the kitchen again and sighed, heading back to the bedroom. If Remy trusted him, he needed to be trustworthy.

Virgil returned to his sketch and made sure Roman’s shorts poofed out in a ridiculous manner as he drew his brother mid-stupid _Kingdom Hearts_ run. He hoped if they ever peeked in his sketchbook, they’d find this one and get a laugh. He really hated how dependent he had to be on them. So he had to refocus on making Roman look like an idiot, which was a worthwhile cause. 

Remy leaned on the door frame and knocked on it, making Virgil jump slightly. “Cooking time. Ro and Pat are also almost home, I let them know you invited Janus for dinner,” Remy smiled knowingly again and Virgil reached blindly for a small throw pillow to chuck at him. It bounced harmlessly off his torso and he stared at it incredulously. “You basically hate me,” Remy deadpanned and headed back into the living room. Virgil got up from the desk and put away the sketchbook and picked up the pillow. 

Virgil headed to the kitchen to cook. Remy was setting up to use his laptop on the couch and Beeps continued going ham on that pig’s ear. He pulled out bread and started tearing up a few slices to make the stuffing for the bell peppers. He dumped them all in the roasting pan and put them in the oven to dry out a bit and pulled out some Italian sausage to brown, humming along to the music. 

Cooking well was one of the few things he got out of his trash fire of a relationship he didn’t have to get therapy for. All the practice and determination to get praise from Zillah made him competent and capable. Other than the whole knife thing, which made cooking hard sometimes. But you don’t need knives for shrimp scampi, since the shrimp in the freezer was pre-peeled. And he really did like the idea of the stuffed bell peppers with the scampi. 

He glanced over to Remy to make sure he wasn’t paying attention before he let himself dance a little in place to the music while he cooked. Whatever played on the laptop screen engrossed Remy and he didn’t look up to see Virgil shimmy. He grabbed a baby tomato and crammed it in his mouth out of habit as he dug through the fridge for parmesan. 

Mixing the stuffing for the bell peppers to the tune made everything go faster. He put those in to bake while he cooked the rest. The little shrimp would cook quickly, so he focused on the noodles, zucchini, and the sauce for the scampi instead. Remy had chopped the zucchini into thick half-moons so they would take a bit to cook down in the olive oil, but the scampi was already close to ready. He’d just leave it covered, overcooking shrimp made it rubbery. 

“Hey, Virge!” Patton greeted cheerily as he came in the front door. “Wait, isn’t it Remy’s turn to cook?” He protested hotly and Virgil shrunk back for a moment. 

“I’m… just helping,” Virgil responded sheepishly. 

“Virgil wanted to cook, and who was I to say no?” Remy called from the living room. 

“Remy, we agreed to split the chores evenly,” Patton passed through the front hall to chide Remy on the couch. 

“He was having a cruddy day and wanted something for dinner I couldn’t make. It’s also not fair to not let him do something he wants to do just because of some dumb rule. He deserves to get to do things he likes,” Remy retorted pointedly. 

“You know he tends to _overdo_ it with the chores and you’re enabling him,” Patton hissed back in a whisper and Virgil shrank a little. Patton probably didn’t think that Virgil could hear, but he had annoyingly accurate distance hearing from listening for Zillah all the time. That skill is more of a mixed bag because he once heard his brother having sex and _boy did he hate that_. Good for them and all, but Virgil did not want to be involved in the process. 

“I’m banned from making seafood and it’s too expensive to order out. He didn’t even ask me what I wanted first, okay? Give him a break,” Remy sounded annoyed. Did Patton not actually like his cooking and he was just humouring him? He didn’t want to put up with eating it another night? Virgil rubbed his face. 

“I’m not upset with Virgil, I’m upset with you,” Patton whispered back. Ugh, he didn’t like this. It made him feel horrible. He tried to focus on cooking, but the irate whispers left a sickening pain in his stomach. 

“Pat, settle the fuck down. He’s had enough angry noises today. Some bitch at the coffee shop told him off for having a service dog,” Remy whispered back. Fuck, he didn’t need to be reminded of that. Virgil clicked off the stove burner the zucchini cooked over and tried to breathe mindfully because this shit is all too much for his stupid sensitive brain to handle.

“Oh, shoot,” Patton muttered, sounding concerned. “Can he hear us?” 

“Do you _see_ him in the kitchen?” Remy said pointedly. “He’s had a shit day, let him have this, I wasn’t going to let him clean or anything, it’s just one meal. He’s okay with a little cooking as long as he doesn’t push it, you know that. I wouldn’t take that chance,” Remy huffed sourly. He muttered something else, but Virgil thankfully couldn’t make it out. 

Patton rushed over and made a sad noise, coming to sit with Virgil on the floor against the cabinets. Virgil stiffened and scooted away. He didn’t know how to deal with this and he didn’t want to, he just wanted to breathe. He wanted some space, but he didn’t understand how to ask. At least Patton didn’t touch him, but he was so close the heat coming off of him hurt. 

The front door lock clicked. “I’m home!” Roman sang delightedly. “Smells wonderful, whatever it is,” He hummed and stepped into the kitchen. “Oh,” He breathed. “I should have known it was your cooking. It smells too delightful to be Remy’s,” Roman chuckled playfully.

“ _Babe_ ,” Remy deadpanned with a bitter tinge from the living room. 

“Pat, go take your shower, I’ve got this,” Roman ordered softly, pointing to the bathroom. Patton looked between Roman and Virgil with concern before a moment before he exhaled slowly and hoisted himself off the floor, leaving the kitchen. “So, how did work go?” Roman asked airily and went to the fridge. Virgil blinked at him a few times in confusion. 

“Um, it was fine. The dogs played nice today. I found some dark chocolate in my lunch box that I really liked. I assumed you put that in. Thanks,” Virgil replied weakly. Roman poured two glasses of water from the filter in the fridge.

“You’re welcome!” Roman beamed and passed down Virgil a cup of water before putting the filter back in the fridge. Virgil took it slowly and sipped at it. “I’ll show you where I hide them in my room. Patton eats them all if I put them out here,” Roman winked. 

“I’ll probably only eat them if you keep slipping them in my lunch box, to be honest,” Virgil rasped out a dark laugh. “Don’t show me so I don’t just give them all to Patton the next time I have a… food-related episode,” Virgil sighed and dropped his head down, pulling at his shirt. He didn’t want to see his skin. He hated seeing the marks and lines. Virgil hated the blemishes and mottled parts and flaws. The marred lines were all a reminder that he had one use, and he failed at even do that right in the end. He rubbed at them sullenly. “Can I…” Virgil trailed off. Asking for something suddenly seemed impossible and Virgil trailed off.

“Remy, will you toss Virgil his hoodie?” Roman called out to the living room. 

“Sure, babe,” Remy shouted back, and he heard a rustling in the living room before Remy came in and literally chucked Virgil’s hoodie right at his head. He didn’t have the energy to pull himself off the counter to put it on right, so he just slid on the sleeves with the jacket backward so he wouldn’t have to look at his arms. 

“Speaking of things that are probably too hot for the middle of summer… I picked up something else along with the back pillow,” Roman smiled and held up a finger. 

“What?” Virgil rubbed his face. He didn’t know how much more of this… well, of _anything_ he could take.

“Well, you still hate seeing your arms, so… I got you a bunch of long-sleeved UV shirts. They’re moisture-wicking and so thin and silky. The shirts should be fitted enough the dogs won’t be able to grab a loose piece to destroy,” Roman announced proudly. 

“Roman, those stupid pillows are so expensive as it is,” Virgil scrunched his eyes shut. More fucking costs, just so Virgil can be more comfortable being alive. Useless. Burden. Costly. Needy. Virgil gritted his teeth to his intense embittered thoughts.

This was all so fucking hard. His stomach clenched tightly, and he held his head in his hands, trying his hardest to not hurt himself. Purchases meant he got hurt. Gifts for Virgil came at a price. He should pay the price. It’s what he was good for. His brother wouldn’t hurt him, but that knowledge felt wrong. No. They weren’t gifts; they were necessities. That’s what his therapist would say to tell himself. But he didn’t have the power to fight anymore. Everything was wrong. Nothing felt right. He exhaled hard but didn’t feel the air move through his mouth. He only heard the sound so loud it seemed strange it didn’t echo.

“I had a coupon for all of it, I had 30% off my entire purchase. It was very affordable. Remy said you sweated so mu…” Roman’s voice trailed off as Virgil’s focus dropped away. He stared blankly at his hands covered in bunched-up hoodie sleeves in his lap. 

His head had been overtaken with mashed potatoes and fluff. He couldn’t process anything else. A blurry vision of purple and black took up his vision, but the world was soundless and still. He couldn’t identify what he saw. None of it registered in his head. There was just blankness. The way he probably needed to be. 

The blurry colours shifted, and he felt like he was moving. Oh, lovely. Some faraway part of him was glad he was already gone if he was going to get used. The tan blurs faded to nothing but black. A strange dizziness sat behind a wall, but that’s all he could find other than the void of nothing Virgil nestled in. He was safe here. The void held him tight as he was broken and bruised and protected him. 

_You’re safer when you fight back._

The thought jostled his brain through the fuzziness. That made little sense. And he was too tired to fight back. And he didn’t wish to. It wasn’t safe to leave. There was no feeling in the void. He didn’t feel sharp or blunt, heat or cold. This was the easiest and the safest. He just wanted something to be simple, and staying like this would be natural. It was barely a conscious choice to sink back down to the sea of nothing.

_Running away from the truth doesn’t change the facts._

This was easy to do, and he needed it to be safe. It wasn’t fair. He couldn’t have simple things either? He wanted nothing. That’s all he wanted, just nothing. There was no standard to meet and he couldn’t have it. 

_What you think is protecting yourself is just another way you’re suffering._

The thoughts nearly reverberated in the nothingness. They sounded overwhelmingly loud, with no way to control the volume. The thoughts pulled at him, loosening the grip of the void on his brain. The first thing he noticed hearing sounds. He couldn’t make any of it out. It was all garbled and in pieces as it swam in and out of his awareness. There wasn’t a single part he could reach out for, but something else became apparent in the blankness. Warmth bloomed in his brain. Not spots of heat or sharpness against the chill, but a full-body warmth that consumed him. That was nicer than the void.

There was an interesting cadence to the sound as it grew less broken up and melodic. The sounds were an alien language still, despite being whole, but beautiful and sweet all the same. It had a smooth, silky quality that drew him in. He realized he saw a fuzzy picture again. He wondered where it came from. The view was bizarrely familiar and unusual at the same time. It tugged at a distant memory on the shore of his mind. One he couldn’t reach, but he held dear. He remembered who he was as he cherished something long forgotten. He knew the memory was sad and desperate, and it confused him that it was so meaningful to him.

As he tried to figure out what it all meant, Virgil got jarred violently into himself by an overwhelming sharp smell. He blinked away some of the blurriness to see something yellow in his face. He didn’t recognize whatever the yellow thing is, just that it was something Virgil had to interact with. Virgil reached out and shoved it in his mouth without a second thought, chewing the hard texture and swallowing. He gagged for a moment and coughed, wracked upward as his chest convulsed and dropped back down into Janus’s lap. 

“Virgil, you ate the _rind_ ,” Janus looked baffled at him, and Virgil shook his head for a moment, flicking out the last of the residual fuzziness. He still was incredibly confused about how he ended up lying on Janus’s thighs as a pillow, but he wasn’t complaining. He felt Janus’s hand in his and relief washed over him. A different feeling of safety than the void. One that was real. Though his tongue recoiled from an intensely sour flavour out of nowhere.

“What?” Virgil smiled up to him in confusion. He was so elated to see Janus.

“Well, they’re _technically_ edible,” Remy hummed and Virgil turned his head to see Remy in the recliner. Virgil reached up and rubbed his painfully burning eyes. He must have been staring blankly or something. He had absolutely no idea how he got here or what he’d been doing. 

“When did you get here?” Virgil turned his head back to Janus and blinked up to him, squeezing Janus’s hand in his delicately. Janus pressed Virgil’s hand affectionately between his hands in response.

“Thirty-odd minutes ago, I think. Please tell me you ate something more recently than lunchtime,” Janus implored, and Virgil was lost on why he sounded so desperate about that question.

“I’m so confused,” Virgil reached up to rub his eyes once more. He needed eye drops or something. “Oh, right food. Pig’s ear. Wait, Beeps ate that. I think I had a baby tomato. I don’t know when,” He dropped his free arm back to the couch. 

“So more _acid_ ,” Janus confirmed and looked sad. “Darling, I’m afraid you’re probably about to have a terribly uncomfortable time,” He shook his head sullenly. 

“What are you talking about?” Virgil furrowed his eyebrows as Janus brushed Virgil’s bangs out of his face. 

“You just ate half a lemon whole, buddy,” Patton sounded concerned. It took Virgil a moment to register what he meant. The realization became a herald of the apocalypse as Virgil’s stomach woke back up with a violent, roiling cramp. Virgil scrambled off the couch to the bathroom, skidding in and slamming the door shut. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet, barely in time for hot acid to burn his esophagus on its way back up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some nice breif graphic violence for those who craved it in flashback form. Fun!
> 
> Special thanks to [Lallaina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lallaina/pseuds/Lallaina) for being a beta, but also being a fantastic, wonderful, and kind person!


	4. Knock it Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has stomach issues along with all the other issues.

Acid reflux wasn’t the worst. Being branded and then getting ice put on the burn was. But puking up stomach acid was up there on his list of things he hated. Virgil panted for air on the floor next to the toilet. His entire mouth felt raw and his throat burned with a sharp, painful heat. The kind reserved specifically for body-temperature bile. He wanted water, and he wanted to brush his teeth, but all he could bring himself to do was catch his breath on the floor of the bathroom. Stupid stabbing himself in the stomach, giving him long-term issues.

Virgil eventually pulled himself up after he was sure he was empty and rinsed out his mouth in the sink before brushing his teeth and gargling mouthwash. The mintiness burned like hell in his mouth, but it was better tasting than stomach acid. He rinsed the sweat off his forehead before exiting the bathroom and collapsing back onto the couch, returning his head to Janus’s lap but turning in to hide from the world in Janus’s stomach. Janus stroked Virgil’s hair affectionately as he settled back down. 

“Are you ready for dinner, Virgil? Roman finished cooking it,” Patton said gently. 

“I refuse,” Virgil responded flatly, curling up into the couch and yanking the blanket up. “You dudes eat. Shrimp doesn’t reheat well,” He waved slightly and slipped off of Janus’s lap to finish balling up and let him get up to eat. 

“But it’s something you really wanted,” Patton objected sadly. Virgil just huffed. He didn’t care. There were lots of things he wanted that he couldn’t have. He wanted parents that loved him, he wanted his independence, he wanted to not be broken beyond repair, and he wanted to not still love the bastard who broke him. None of those were happening. Virgil didn’t feel like responding and just curled up on the couch instead. Well, he did want—no. Bad errant thought. 

“All right,” Janus patted Virgil on the shoulder softly and got up from the couch. 

“Janus!” Patton shot angrily, lowering his eyebrows to shoot Janus the stink eye.

“He needs a break. Virgil wants us to eat, let’s eat, and we’ll see if we can think of something after Virgil’s stomach settles. Is that agreeable?” Janus replied emphatically, and Virgil sighed in relief. That sounded so great. “Would you be willing to put Beeps back on task so she can tell us if something is wrong?” Janus leaned down and put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. 

“I’ll sit with you and sip some ice water if that’s okay,” Virgil peeked up from the couch to Janus. “I want to spend time with you,” He whispered and sat up slowly. 

“I like that plan,” Janus held out his hand and Virgil took it to get up from the couch. Patton looked annoyed, but he seemed to concede since he went over to the table. Virgil followed them over but pivoted into the kitchen to feed Beeps her dinner. She sat next to her dish excitedly as Virgil cut open the bag to serve it to her. Virgil did the hand sign for her to eat and joined everyone else at the table while she gobbled up her food enthusiastically. 

Remy dragged the desk chair from his bedroom to the table and dropped it off next to where Janus was sitting down. Roman smiled as he served up plates to everyone, and Virgil just leaned forward on the table. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was fine with smelling it, but he just couldn’t eat it himself. It wasn’t happening. His stomach pinched painfully, and he exhaled through his nose. Janus rubbed Virgil’s back gently, and it was very soothing. 

“Thank you for cooking, Virgil,” Roman said brightly, sitting down on the chair on the other side of Virgil. 

“Thanks for finishing it,” Virgil breathed again and opened his eyes. They seemed to enjoy the food. Remy grabbed multiple stuffed peppers. He was clearly excited about those. Virgil felt instantly relieved seeing that they liked it. He knew it wasn’t healthy to be so desperately craving their validation. He knew they wouldn’t punish him if he made a bad dinner. But a big part of him still needed it. Wanted it. He couldn’t tell which one. They were working on it. 

“This is wonderful, darling,” Janus murmured as he rubbed Virgil’s back. Fuck. That compliment felt so good that now he was kind of horny. He had fucking issues. His doctor warned him that people appreciating him would do this since it got basically programmed into him by Zillah. It still made him uncomfortable as hell around the people he saw as family. 

He buried his face in his sleeves. At least he didn’t have to worry about it from the people he saw as family. Oh, fuck, he could still get it from Remus or Logan. It had only happened with Janus so far. Maybe it was okay. Remus appreciated him at his job with no issues. Maybe that was just for work-related stuff, though. Virgil didn’t want to think about that.

Virgil exhaled hard, trying to focus. Time to try not to think about sexy stuff he didn’t feel like triggering himself to add insult to the injury of horfing in the toilet. As much as he wanted to think about making out with Janus and getting carried away, that was not polite dinner thoughts. But Janus kisses at Virgil’s neck and both pairs of hands drift south while Virgil’s breath catches when Janus nibbles at the skin. And then Virgil’s hands find Janus—

“How about something creamy?” Patton suggested hopefully. Virgil gripped the table and froze. He nearly screamed out in bafflement. Oh, god, he didn’t mean it like that. He was talking about food. Right? Right?

“Virge, are you okay?” Roman sounded concerned and Virgil’s face was on fire. He just held up his thumb, nodding slowly. 

“Yeah, sorry for not believing you,” Remy deadpanned and tapped his fork on the plate. “Look at me,” Remy ordered him, and Virgil pulled up his face automatically before dropping it again. Stupid inability to not respond to direct orders. “Oh!” Remy cackled. 

“What?” Patton sounded almost scared. 

“He’s fine, right Jan?” The stupid fucking grin was obvious in his voice. Virgil felt Janus shift in his seat, and Virgil scrunched up his face tighter and coiled in on himself. He was so fucking embarrassed. 

“Yes, he is. How about we go to a frozen yoghurt place?” Janus offered and rubbed Virgil’s back. If there was a god out there, he prayed to be stricken with lightning and saved from this. A sudden electrical death didn’t come, much to Virgil’s chagrin.

“Sounds great,” Virgil squeaked out and held his head down on the table in embarrassment. 

“Gurl,” Remy said flatly, and Virgil just shook his head. Virgil could handle Remy knowing. They used to make dirty jokes and references all the time, especially before he started dating Roman. They even talked about sex from time to time. Remy’s first boyfriend was very amorous and Virgil kind of liked hearing about it when he was curious but not active himself yet. Virgil didn’t literally grow up with Remy. Roman and Patton? He did not want them to know. Never in a million years. They knew too much already. They don’t need to know Virgil’s weird programmed kinks. Even Virgil didn’t want to know them. 

“The froyo place near here has that edible cookie dough. But if that’s too much, then after your throat hurts less, we could heat up some soup or a sandwich. Something mild, probably. I really am impressed you ate half of a lemon, rind and all, in seconds,” Roman sounded almost in awe and Virgil resisted the urge to bang his head on the table. He was so fucking stupid. No, he wasn’t. Augh! Janus placed his hand flat on Virgil’s back while he ate, and Virgil calmed down slightly. 

“Disassociation can cause strange behaviours, yes. I’m very proud of Virgil for coming back to us instead of staying out for the night,” Janus rubbed Virgil’s back lightly. Proud. He enjoyed hearing that, though it was a very bittersweet sentiment. He fought the urge to apologize for the circumstances that lead up to Janus saying that. 

“Thank you,” Virgil managed to say instead of sorry. He felt bad that they all had to put up with him just noping out when he got too stressed. And all his triggers and freaking out and… this was a spiral into shit city ready to happen. He knew he needed to stop. He reached out for his cup of water and lifted up to sip it slowly. At least he wasn’t horny anymore. Also, remembering the barely chewed hunks of lemon floating in the toilet was probably a good deterrent for the future. Remus would laugh about it. Maybe it’s a good story, too. He chuckled a little to himself and sipped at the water again. “You know I’m kind of impressed, too,” Virgil smiled at Roman. 

“I guess the next time we try to use the lemon smell to help you out of it, we should use a smaller cut,” Patton grimaced slightly. 

“No, the rind is tasty, you should try it,” Virgil smirked at him and Patton shuttered. 

“Do you remember that news story about the guy who ate a whole raw potato while he was trying to stay abstinent with his wife? I bet Virgil could do that,” Remy smiled knowingly at Virgil and he dropped and hid his head again. It wasn’t obvious, but Remy was clearly teasing him. Maybe Virgil should eat a whole raw potato. He was sick of getting horny and not being able to do anything about it. Virgil went from having sex multiple times a day to nothing at all, and he was bad at this. He just wanted—no! No, don’t hit your head on the table, and don’t fucking think that—augh!

“I doubt the smell of potato is strong enough to help Virgil, but we can buy a baby potato and see if he does eat it next time,” Janus’s playful tone was kind of sweet even if he implied Virgil would shut down again as a guaranteed thing. It probably was, though. 

“Just make sure if you hold something in my face, it’s edible. I don’t want to have to explain to an ER doctor how I ate a golf ball,” Virgil groaned and rubbed his face in his arms, dropping his head down again. 

“Do you think you could?” Roman asked incredulously. 

“I have a surprising amount of jaw strength, but it’s not like I tried,” Virgil rolled his eyes to the table and reached out to hold the frosty glass. He bit through a solid rubber gag once. All that clenching was useful for something. Maybe he should have bitten off Zillah’s dick. He chuckled through his nose at the idea. That would have been a power move. 

Despite the talk of eating things that should not be eaten, his stomach was feeling a smidgen better. Janus rubbing his back certainly helped. Virgil laid more comfortably on the table and closed his eyes, enjoying their company. He was able to ground and refocus on the present, and he even found a good thing out of a bad situation. He was a little proud of himself. Listening to his friends’ talk helped him stay grounded, even though he was tired and having a bad day.

Patton was talking about his game, Roman chatted about the play, and Remy complained about the store owner and some particularly bad customers. Janus talked about his last game of lacrosse and joked about pushing his boss down the stairs at work. Virgil didn’t feel like he had anything of value to say, so he just listened while they chatted. They all knew he was tired and didn’t push him to talk, thankfully. 

Virgil stayed mostly present for the conversation. He spaced out a bit. Roman was talking about Dot helping him with something Larry was bitching at him about, and Virgil missed a good chunk of that conversation. Patton might have resolved it. Or Remy told him to be a bitch and Roman listened for once. Remy’s suggestions were usually to claw someone’s eyes out. His ideas clearly were wise and should be listened to. Virgil thought the _space out_ he just experienced was more exhaustion-related than it was trauma-related, and that was still agreeable. Virgil rubbed his eyes and yawned, looking over to Janus who was just finishing his food. 

“Are you up for the car ride for the frozen yogurt?” Janus asked tenderly, and Virgil blushed and nodded slightly. Virgil didn’t feel like he deserved someone so sweet. He’d never met someone with such endless patience. He could be very contradictory at times, though. It was both fun and a little unnerving. But Virgil liked him a lot. Enough to feel like a cheating piece of shit, even though he and Zillah had been broken up for months now. Virgil nodded and sat up slowly to sip at his water again. 

He got up and grabbed Beeps’ vest and she came over expectantly, stepping in and standing poised and focused as he hooked on Beeps’ leash. Virgil waved as they left, and Remy’s stupid, smug smile made him want to take his own sage advice about what to do with claws and eyeballs. Patton just smiled like a dope and Roman gave him a hug before they left. Virgil held Janus’s hand down to his car, walking in silence. He loaded Beeps into the protected backseat and sat up front with Janus. Janus paused and looked at Virgil before he started the car. 

“What was that at dinner? You were bright red, and I didn’t even flirt that much,” Janus grinned and Virgil looked to Janus wide-eyed for a moment. 

“It’s… kind of silly. It’s not a big deal. I was just embarrassed,” Virgil shook his head dismissively. 

“Sounds delightfully juicy,” Janus teased him and reached out to grab Virgil’s hand as he drove. 

“It’s really nothing,” Virgil huffed. “It’s just… sometimes… I don’t know how to say this,” He shook his head. Virgil was so used to hiding everything, especially things that embarrassed him. It didn’t feel right admitting things. 

“Maybe some frozen yoghurt will help. Or would you rather have ice cream? There’s a gelato place near here as well,” Janus offered. 

“Gelato, that place has gelato root beer floats,” Virgil smiled, feeling much more hopeful. 

“That’s lots of sugar for an empty stomach,” Janus hummed out his objection, pursing his lips.

“Fine, banana sorbet for the upset stomach first,” Virgil proposed instead, though he’d rather have the sugar. Anything for his throat at this point. “And you get me the float another time,” He added. He wanted that damn float, but Janus was right it was too much for an upset stomach. He didn’t want to puke a second time today.

“Sounds like a plan,” Janus chuckled. “Do I need to be concerned about the embarrassment? I get the impression it involves me,” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he drove.

“No, no, you don’t need to be worried,” Virgil mumbled guiltily. He didn’t want to upset Janus. He didn’t do anything. 

“But it does involve me,” Janus confirmed, glancing at Virgil out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. You don’t have to worry, it’s not bad. It’s just embarrassing and hard to admit,” Virgil sighed and sunk back into the chair seat. “Sometimes… when you praise me… I get… a physical reaction. More than blushing. I usually try to hide it. It’s a trained association thing. And my head was in the gutter right next to my brother and that felt like the nail in my shame coffin, y’know?” Virgil mumbled out, fidgeting with his jacket zipper with his free hand. 

“I see,” Janus said evenly before breaking down laughing. “Oh, what a snowball of circumstances. I’m not upset you like being praised,” He added jovially. 

“I know. Like I said, it’s silly. It’s just embarrassing,” Virgil muttered, pulling the zipper up and down. “The throw-up talk nixed it, I’m fine now. I was just thinking about kissing you and getting carried away…” Virgil nearly whispered. 

“And Patton said the word creamy,” Janus cackled playfully. “I’m sure it was fun for your brain to conjure something nice unprompted for once,” 

“Oh, huh. I didn’t think about it like that. Yeah, it was,” Virgil hummed, much happier than earlier. “It’s not… too much for you when we have to stop kissing?” He asked quietly. 

“Once again, as I’m sure you know, blue balls aren’t fatal, just a little sore. I’m perfectly fine,” Janus scoffed, glancing at Virgil again. They’d have this conversation a few times since they started kissing less chastely, but Virgil could never get it to stick in his head.

“I got blue balled on a regular basis, I don’t really have a frame of context for how it feels normally,” Virgil let out a broken, sullen laugh. “I don’t know, I was always told it was my job, and it’s hard to shake that,” He shook his head sadly, wringing his hands in his lap.

“I understand, Virgil. I’m not your dom, I’m your boyfriend. And your mental welfare is important to me either way,” Janus reassured him. “How do I say this… it is just that you threw up that’s why you didn’t want to eat, right? You were mumbling to yourself while you were out of it, and the little I could make out wasn’t good. You sounded angry. The food was wonderful, it was a shame you missed out on it,” He said sadly. Janus praising his cooking put him in the weird situation of being slightly horny and mostly sullen. 

“Yeah, the stomach issue is why I skipped the scampi. I’m feeling a little better, though, as long as I don’t overeat I should be fine. I don’t remember anything from when I was out of it. All I remember is making dinner and then _nothing_ until I threw up. Sorry if I said anything that upset you. I think I would have been just fine with eating dinner if someone told me to eat like they normally do. It’s not been a great day, but I did want to eat shrimp scampi,” 

“Yes, I didn’t miss you responding to Remy’s order automatically despite clearly not wanting to,” 

“Ugh, I hope no one else noticed,” Virgil groaned and rubbed his face. “He’s just got such a firm voice and he can be demanding and I’m just completely incapable of telling him to fuck off. It’s so fucked up. I will not ask him to change his personality, it’s my problem,” 

“You know I often wonder how safe it is that you hide so many things from them because you’re ashamed,” Janus hummed in dissatisfaction. 

“Come on, they saw the footage at the trial. Those couple of minutes are plenty. They don’t need to know all the other shit that happened. I think Remus has second-hand trauma, I can’t do that to them,” Virgil groaned in frustration. 

“He probably should see a therapist, too. I’ve seen him around you, I agree he doesn’t seem alright,” Janus sighed, looking out the window to see if it was safe to turn. “I’ll ask Logan to convince him, he’s clearly the _sense_ in the relationship,” He pulled into the parking lot. 

“Thanks,” Virgil smiled at him. He was actually starting to feel hungry when they parked at the gelato shop. Virgil was excited. The banana sorbet here was good and his throat was terribly raw and something cold and smooth sounded perfect to quench the awful acidic feeling in his throat.

Janus held open the door like the gentleman he was and placed the order. He got a small banana sorbet, and a slice of gelato cake with chocolate that Virgil muttered to Janus about wanting last minute. Janus also ordered a treat for Beeps. They made a peanut butter dessert for dogs here. Janus ordered dark cherry and cheesecake together for himself and they sat down with their confections at a table near the window. 

It was like heaven in his throat. Virgil decimated the sorbet in minutes. Janus looked very satisfied at that while he ate at a much more reasonable pace. After he was sure he was settled, he placed Beeps’ treat down and let her know she could eat it. Beeps ate at her treat just as ecstatically as Virgil did with his sorbet. 

“It’s always nice to see you enthusiastic about eating,” Janus offered Virgil a bite of his and he accepted it happily. 

“My sweet tooth is a good way to exploit dumb-brain-scared-of-food syndrome. I’ve been better about eating even when I’m not told to,” Virgil cut off a bite and offered it to Janus, who leaned forward and accepted it with a provocative look. Virgil blinked for a moment, feeling unable to process anything after the smoldering expression.

“I might happen to know a good way to work up an appetite,” Janus offered lowly and Virgil swallowed his cake bite roughly. Beeps’ head flew up and put a paw on his lap to make sure he was okay. Damn his stupid sex drive.

“Beeps, down,” Virgil shook his head. She sat down under the table again and stared up at him. “Finish your food,” Virgil pointed to her treat. He didn’t need grounding, and he wasn’t panicking. He was just aroused because Janus knew exactly how to push his very sensitive buttons.

“So you’re interested,” Janus grinned impishly. He knew exactly what he was doing.

“You’re a bastard,” Virgil whispered in frustration.

“Acknowledged. What do you say we go back to my apartment and I’ll help you forget your bad day up to your comfort level?” 

“That can’t be ideal for you,” Virgil whispered, looking around the room. 

“You realize I would enjoy kissing as well, right?” Janus arched an eyebrow and Virgil turned red, shoving a bite of cake in his mouth. “Ah, yes, avoiding the question,” Janus rolled his eyes as he drawled sardonically. “You can tell me, Virgil. I don’t mind if you need time to answer, but I will not react badly,” Janus reminded him. 

Virgil’s relationship with Janus was still so new. And maybe he hadn’t been upfront about everything with Janus, either. Janus probably had the best idea from his own experiences, but sometimes they didn’t understand each other. He didn’t think he was a good kisser or that it would be nice to get Janus worked up for no payoff. Janus didn’t seem to understand why that was bad. Virgil didn’t really know how to explain it, either. He just kind of knew it was wrong. Shit, this is more trauma, isn’t it? Virgil sighed heavily. _Wheee_. Something more to talk about in therapy.

“I’m worried,” Virgil admitted under his breath, eating another bite of ice cream cake at a more reasonable pace. “It’s just been… a long day,” He sighed. “I really _want_ to, but…” Virgil trailed off. Virgil wanted to kiss him, but kissing always led to sex and he wasn’t sure he could take getting triggered again today. He wanted to make out in Janus’s bedroom with the vanilla sandalwood and the lights on a dimmer and his hands on Virgil’s skin. But getting carried away would be bad.

“Up to your comfort level, Virgil. If you want to just cuddle, that’s also an option,” Janus reached out for his hand. “I know you’ve had a hard day. There’s no pressure to do anything but relax. And you can do so in a proper bed,” 

“Shit, I can’t,” Virgil dropped his plastic spoon in anger. “My meds. They’re at home. I have to eat and take them soon,” Virgil bemoaned, picking up his phone out of his pocket to check the time. “Do you think ice cream cake is enough?” 

“How about we place a pickup order for a soup and sandwich,” Janus shook his head, pulling out his own phone. 

“Fine, but only because steak and brie sliders are awesome. Get the zucchini soup, please, I need something blander after the cake. Oh, and I’m not eating the chips, just as a warning. If you buy them anyway, I will throw them at Remus,” Virgil held up a finger and took another bite of cake petulantly. 

“Remus can have free bundled chips. I’ll get him jalapeño. You really are getting better about accepting food,” 

“Honestly, I’m just sick of it being a whole thing now that I don’t feel like I need permission to eat every time. I don’t enjoy arguing about it, either. I don’t know if I’ll still feel this way tomorrow. But, I’ll eat what I can. There are enough people in the apartment that leftovers won’t go bad,” Virgil explained in defeat. 

“… Speaking of…” Janus started and put away his phone. “That apartment is somewhat cramped, most of the time, isn’t it?” Janus asked curiously, obviously leading Virgil somewhere. 

“We both know it is. Get to the point,” Virgil motioned to Janus with his spoon. 

“It doesn’t have to be anytime soon, or have any connotations, but have you given any thought of spending the night with me?” Janus leaned forward on one arm and drummed his fingers curiously on the table. Virgil froze and stared at Janus wide-eyed. “I would like to remind you it entails nothing other than literally sleeping in my bed. The couch has to be doing a number on your back,” Janus said pointedly, picking up his spoon again to eat nonchalantly. “My bed is king-sized and has cool top memory foam,” Janus added temptingly, looking up to Virgil and taking another bite. 

Virgil _did_ get hot in his sleep. Oh, heck, was he actually considering this? It seemed like the worst idea. Well, why, though? The couch was doing a number on his back. His back always got a good stretch when he got hung from—no-no-no-no. Virgil shook his head furiously to shake those thoughts from his head. 

“No dice?” Janus sounded somewhat disappointed. Did he actually want sex? Why else would Janus just let Virgil take up space like that? Beeps got up and pawed at Virgil’s lap again. “Virgil, I need you to speak to me,” Janus said softly and Virgil swallowed hard. He gripped at his arms, which Beeps pulled apart immediately and kept a paw on his lap, and barked quietly at Janus to alert him. 

“I’m sorry,” Virgil whispered, closing his eyes. He was making a scene out in public and everyone would see him and know how broken he was. Beeps pressed her face into his hand and the wet nose shook him out of it a little. 

“There’s no need to be sorry, you just need to tell me what’s wrong,” Janus said softly, looking at Virgil with concern. 

“I’m just… having trust issues again. No offense or anything,” Virgil reached for his water and took a tiny sip for his tight throat. 

“None taken. I promise I don’t want sex, just proximity. It’s a smidgen hard to get it at your apartment without a bunch of smug grins, and they are getting quite old. I’d also like more time to hold you than the length of a movie if you’d be willing,” Janus explained with a small chuckle, taking hold of Virgil’s hand. 

“Sor— I mean… thank you,” Virgil took a few deep breaths. “I think my head is just determined to jump to bad places today. Instead of me being an ass and blowing you off, I will say I am now giving it some thought and will get back to you later,” He tried to speak as diplomatically as possible instead of giving himself any further ammo or being a prick to Janus who didn’t deserve it. 

“Fantastic. I would like to propose gelato kisses at the car before we leave to pick up the sandwiches,” Janus replied playfully with a light chuckle. Virgil’s attempt at being diplomatic clearly amused him. 

“I think I can handle that,” Virgil exhaled and smiled at Janus. “Can I steal a bite of yours?” Virgil held up his spoon and pointed to Janus’s bowl. 

“Yes, I believe a trade is in order. A beneficial agreement for both parties,” Janus grinned mischievously at Virgil and took a bite of the cake. 

“You pretentious fuck,” Virgil whispered, and his chest felt a little lighter as he took a bite of Janus’s gelato. 

**Author's Note:**

> **♪[Break Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/17jdndRy9Q7F6COOvHieTM?si=o6VI7pQ3TbOsZKRADvGNQw) ♪**
> 
> Do you like whump? Do you like more Virgil angst? Please consider leaving a kudos and commenting below to give me some nice validation. Questions, comments, memes, rants, and incoherent screaming all accepted below. 
> 
> [Story Discord Server](https://discord.gg/ThcDBSP)
> 
> Does waiting for updates make you suffer? Well, you can help stave it off with some of my other angsty nonsense. [Conflagration](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588713) is angst smut and maybe that's your cup of tea, considering this fic. [Slopes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29496978) can also fill that whumpy need. Flirty anxceit? [Eglantine & Lycoris](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945719) is a tropey mess of anxceit. More fluff with anxceit? [Plea for my New Self](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22807720) has anxceit but it's CALMD actually anxceit is the first nonsense. Here's some spicy anaroceit with smooth bastard janus, if that's what you're into: [Rock Bottom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318331/chapters/58627531). Finally, if you want more feral Virgil, but tinier, check out [Painful Death](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687501).


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